okie dokie

So Ryan is growing up and all. My eight weeks maternity leave is almost up. Need to find a decent caregiver to watch my newborn for 9 hours a day and pretty much raise him. My first choice is full and unable to take him, so I ask another woman at church. She is wonderful and is able to take him. We actually become pretty good friends through her watching him. This only lasted a month as she got pregnant and was bedridden through a tough pregnancy.
Anyways, so the beginning of December, I leave my new baby with this woman and start breastpumping at work. Never realized how cold the bathroom was until I had to whip out the boob and try to get milk out of it. WOW!!! I am an emotional mess and calling daycare at least twice a day checking in on him. Feel like such a failure having to have someone else raise my kid. :( Still struggling with that feeling every single day I work. The days I have off and am with him all hours, I love it. Need more structure on those days, but we have fun anyways. Running around the house and playing all over. It is great.
Somehow I managed to deal with the crazy emotions. Though I guess crying every day multiple times isn't "managing to deal". I was insane!!! Everyone knew I wanted to be home. We even tried me working part time. But the money didn't work that way. Still too many bills. Hate bills, hate money. It is all horrible the way money makes you live your life.
Anyways, so Ryan was in daycare. He did well. Loved it, loved the kids he was around. And Sandra watched him from 3 months old to 21 months old. And now at 22 months we had to find another person to watch him. So yet another experience for him on Monday. Not only a schedule change, but new people, new environment. I feel bad for putting him through these things. Wish I could explain to him in 2 year old terms. Here is me going off to bed wondering how his first day at a new home daycare will be. :)